So, listen. If there were one thing that I could change about living in Costa Rica, it's actually not the humidity—even though that is absolute madness.

The one thing I'd really change, if given a magic wand?

Are the cockroaches.

I KNOW, THAT WORD! You scrunched your nose just reading that word—imagine how I felt the time one crawled ONTO MY SOFA. While I was ON IT. Watching Suits or some other TV show in which I was pretending to be an official adult.

Cockroach is definitely a dirty word in this house, and yet! It's not because we're dirty. At least, I hope we're not dirty. Even though I still associate them with less-than-hygiene-humans living in South Philly. Here in Costa Rica? It's a whole different ball game. People don't "get" cockroaches: they're just hereeeeee. They're everywhere just livin’ off the land. They are jungle monsters. And even if you live in the prettiest most modern and amazing castle on the hill (working on it), you will still see one at least once a month. Which is being generous.

To be clear, I've lived here for a decade, and have been coming here for fourteen years, and no, I'm not over it. I will never get over it. These miniature devils freak me right the hell out. The worst is when you get up to pee in the middle of the night—I mean, do you guys realize I actually use my phone as a flashlight EVERY SINGLE NIGHT? That's how scared I am. Fortunately I don't often come across them, but I have to be sure. My worst nightmare is actually stepping on one. If I ever step on a cockroach in the middle of the night, I'm pretty sure life as I know it is over. At least, my life here in Costa Rica.

And now that I've terrified you, I should probably tell you that it's really not that bad. I am definitely a big gigantic baby. You have nothing to worry about. Except mosquitoes! And geckos! And spiders! And having your braaaaainnnssss sucked from your skull! Kidding. That hasn't happened yet.

So here's the good news: those gigantic tarantulas and other creepy crawly creatures (like scorpions, new character!) are mostly hidden far, far away in the deep rainforest. This makes me very happy. I'm sure it also makes you very happy. So that only leaves us with geckos and mosquitoes. Let's talk about the geckos first.

Geckos are really a thing, and not just a cartoon on the Geico commercial. They are actually kind of cute because they just seem like very impressive, Spiderman-like salamanders. It is crazy how they can walk up and down walls like nobody's business. For the love of vodka, half the time I'm convinced they're having a fashion show up there. By "up there," of course I mean next to my air conditioner. Because of course it's like a one grand gecko welcome gate. And, yeah: they hang out inside, too. Not, like, in mass quantities, but usually at night we'll have one or two on the wall of the living room. THIS IS REALLY CONVINCING YOU TO COME TO COSTA RICA, ISN'T IT? The people who live here and like, love nature (I am not one of them) defend the geckos by reminding me that "they eat the bugs." And immediately in my brain I'm all, "BUT THEY ARE BUGS." I mean, I know they're not bugs, but they might as well be. Guarantee if I ever find a gecko in my bed, it will be treated with just as much contempt. This is a very long way of saying that you will see geckos and you might even have one or two inside your hotel room. It's alright. They are fine. Really. They're harmless. And maybe part of the charm?

The only thing you do have to worry about are the mosquitoes. SEGWAY.

Not because dengue fever is a huge thing here—*knocks wood*—but because if you happen to be sensitive to their saliva, you are in for one hell of a treat. When I first came here as a young twenty-something hopeful, those bitches would bite me through my jeans. My actual jeans! Granted, I was hanging out in remote soccer fields watching boys run around shirtless, but that is what you get for trying to be a good sport. The good news? I hardly ever get bitten now. I'm not entirely sure why this is. Maybe they know I'm a thirty-something-year-old ancient bitter booby? That could be it. Or maybe I've "adjusted." Orrrr, maybe I am getting bitten and my skin just got tired of reacting. Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure you're going to be fine, too. It's not even really a day thing: just a night thing. Which is all to say that you should probably be a reasonable human being and put some repellent on at night.

Well, I feel good about this post. I'm fairly certain this is the beginning of solving world hunger, you guys. The bottom line is that, yes, all of these things are here in Costa Rica, and yes, they are gross, and yes, you will see them, but no—you don't need to wear a suit of armor. That would be ridiculous. And very hot. And if a cockroach manages to wriggle itself in there? Let's just not talk about it. There are some things better left unsaid.

Love,

The girl who is making it her mission to say everything, one blog post at a time.